To receive is to give

By Christina Martell

I spell it wrong every time - I say the rhyme in my head, I before E except after C. I'm 39 years old. I should be able to spell receive, but the i and e continuously play tricks on me. Perhaps (like Wednesday) it's always been spelled wrong. The irony is that the word in general has so many misleading concepts. Receive means: to be given, presented with, or paid. It also means: to suffer, to experience, to be subject to, or to take.

Maybe my heart flips it more than my mind. When I hear the word receive I immediately think ‘to give’. In the The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman, my communication tool is 'Gift Giver'. I have always loved to give gifts. The hunt, the wrap and the give are all part of the fun, albeit with a selfish sub-plot. When I find the perfect gift, meticulously wrapped, and present it to the person intended I get a little high from adrenaline. Seeing their smile or laugh is a huge gift to myself. I even have a ‘gift dresser’ where I store gifts I find year round and label them for when the time is right.

I have no idea how it started, perhaps as a young person someone told me I gave great gifts, which filled me with pride. Then it became a challenge to one-up myself to find the most unique, memorable or creative gifts for those I loved. That is when my objective gets muddy - when my best intensions take a turn and ego/ insecurities start to drive.

To truly receive a gift is to make a connection. I've known how to give so much better than to receive. One of the hardest lessons I learned of this möbius exchange was from my husband. When we were dating I reveled in the gift giving process. I constantly tried to find new ways to impress and surprise him. Sometimes it was a book or a love note or a strange object that held an inside joke.

A defining gift started innocently when I gave him a wind-up Ninja toy - the kind you find in a cheap souvenir shop. I put it in a small bag with a funny note. I don't remember what I wrote but I'm sure I spent way too much time editing in an attempt to sound extra clever. I topped it off with a ridiculous array of multi-colored tissues and bows. What every guy wants. Proud of my work, I gave it to him with gusto. His response was lack luster at best. He opened it (my heart a flutter) he threw the tissue on the ground, then read the note without any reaction and held the toy in his hand. 'Oh cool thanks', he said, not an ounce of emotion. I was crushed. 

Months later I found the gift, including the bag and tissue, crumpled up in the trunk of his car under a saxophone case and tennis rackets. Needless to say, I was hurt. I festered on it for weeks, my own little gift-storm brewing inside me. Then one day I erupted in tears, pulled the mangled bag from his car and presented the evidence. He was non-flummoxed. It felt surgical to explain how his dismissal was so painful. I had to walk him through the steps I took in preparation of the gift. How at every level, I was showing my love for him. To find this gift treated in such an offhanded way was as if he was saying, 'I don't love you and I don’t care.’ Which was the farthest from the truth.

After I cried, big sincere tears and explained my side of the gift mountain I was climbing he calmly and sweetly asked, 'Are you done?' He then explained that he has never been into gifts: giving or receiving. He doesn't like 'stuff' and would prefer a room that is nearly bare so he can think and create. His idea of the best gift is quality time - with me. He said experiences are his favorite, like the time we went hiking, got really lost and ended up skinny-dipping. Okay, that was better than a cheap toy.

He said he liked my gift just fine, but it was not for a birthday or a special occasion - it was an everyday item and he liked the gesture, said 'cool and thanks' and moved on. This was his side of gift-mountain; to him a brief flat walk through a field.

I had to counter – I explained that I envisioned him keeping the toy on his desk at work, winding it up occasionally while deep in creative thought and it would remind him of our special inside joke. In short, I created an expectation that was never realized. My fantasy gift scenario was a device to think about me. It was a gift for me, all about me - not him. Not really. 

After too many 'oh, this isn't about the gift at all' conversations - with myself - I eventually entered into a new space of understanding. The experience brought us closer, it helped us understand one another better and how polar opposite we think, feel and approach the world. That was the REAL gift and it took a winding journey to truly receive, welcome and be grateful for this lesson. We still have missteps in the gift department, but after being married eight years, with a five year old daughter and a second child due this fall, the concept of RECEIVE is so much bigger and richer now.

I have learned that Time given to myself and to those I hold dear is never wasted. When those you love leave this earth all you wish for is more time. I’ve never been good at meditation. I have a hard time sitting still without a task to keep my anxious hands busy. My mind spins with to-do lists. So I’ve found my own way into a mindful, intention setting space. Walking in nature, which equals reflective time.

Years ago I set a recurring calendar reminder to ‘Walk with Lucas’ it was tied to an old email that has my maiden name. To this day, fifteen years later, I get the reminder in my inbox. Not every week we get to take a walk together but when we do that time is incredibly precious, productive and builds our love. I take more walks alone now too. Walking is a gift that calms and nature always heals.

My reflective gift to you – is time. Time is the most precious gift we have. You took time to read this contribution of thought. Sincerely and deeply, I Thank You.

When we choose (because everything is a choice) to receive for ourselves and to receive for others we grow in ways we didn’t think possible. I have to remind myself to give gifts that matter: time, love, listening, asking the right questions and accepting the answers without conditions – these are gifts that reach far beyond the wrapping and bows. They last a lifetime and if we are lucky they will spread to those who give their love to us. I implore you to reflect on your most recent gifts. How did you receive them?

The Receive Mindful Mark is a powerful one for me. I wear it often.

– I allow life to nourish me -

To receive is to invite the best elements of yourself. Allowing your life to nourish you and to recognize when that nourishment is truly happening can change everything. With patience and grace – you can receive being your finest YOU - because you are a precious and unique gift.

ABOUT CHRISTINA MARTELL

Curious. Empathetic. Whimsical.

Christina lives in Austin, Texas. She has collaborated with film, non-profit and fine arts communities as a special events coordinator, museum educator, gallery curator, and film producer. She is a mother, a traveler, and a writer. She loves quality time with humans more than anything else. Connect with Christina.

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